Question: If I were to find out I couldn't have children or I decided against having children, what would I want to do?

homework assignment for me and the hubs.

working at a hospital so far has been EXTREMELY traumatizing. no bone in my body wants to work in a hospital long term however, it has really honed my ability to de-stress.

mantra: everything serves me and i serve everything.

going into sober day #6. its becoming tough to see the glass as half full when it appears to be emptying out.. slowly.

i admit i am addicted but the difference with this addiction is that reality appears to be the problem, not my method of coping. really, i am just complaining. it is only a matter of time until i am elevated again.

my road to becoming a counselor has been fulfilling. regardless, there is always a chance of meeting the same fate (aka. meaninglessness) with this new career. o well. unknown is better than known misery.

confusing:
while i dont value the future enough to say: i hope the world doesnt end tomorrow, i am so terrified of experiencing violence. at the same time, i am very curious of my reaction to experiencing violence. probably why i frequently have violent nightmares.

why are people around me so afraid of negative energy?

the medium/psychic encouraged positive thinking. love is unconditional. otherwise, it is not love.

if it's not love and it caused distress, it's encouraged to change it to positive energy as soon as possible.

for example, my mother. she "will never change." then what? is she to be avoided by all?

o.O

i used to get weirded out thinking about how small i was when i looked at the moon..

now, this very air and time that surrounds me also gives me the heeby jeebies.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

oh my god.

up until two days ago, dylan never showed any indication that he remembered me. given how infrequent our interaction was, i had no expectation of that sort so it was OK with me.

on tuesday though, after he saw me, dylan went straight to his pile of toys and dug out the gift i gave him. i almost DIED with an overwhelming amount of emotion...

he started to play with it like a mad artist and i sat next to him. i asked him if he used the cards that have designs he could follow and he said: "it's too hard."

and then... he completed his own designs and showed it to me. it was so beautiful and intricate that it blew the card designs out of the water.

<3

:: submitting this as product review for MindWare Imaginets ::

dear gods of graduate school admissions,

i feverishly pray for my admission to rutgers.

desperately,

ej.

after the 50th time yuta asked me for an outline of my personal statement, I had to have him show me how to do it. AGAIN.

my memory is such a disgrace.

it is so difficult for me to impress with writing..

i please so much better face-to-face... if only rutgers allowed interviews...

asking your boyfriend if he had a great time on his date (with another woman) is a weird but honest feeling. not being surprised when he says he had a great time and being happy for him, priceless feeling.