as a 30 year-old, i am so shocked and disappointed at myself for being so happy and content while not studying in college.

week 5 into my free edx.org course.. i am happy to get second chances.

i have allergies where:

(i eat berries and/or nuts) + (engage in physical activity) within 1-2 hours of each other = throat closes up, nose gets clogged, eyes, arm pits, and crotch itch. basically, i turn into shrek.

this behavior has crippled me in weddings and ruined entire days after work outs because i'd take 2 benadryls and become unusable for ~15 hours. i avoided it for the longest time by being conscious of what i was doing, but today, i forgot i ate nuts and berries and then went jogging shortly after. -,0

long story short, i overcame it without using benadryl this time. here's what i did:

when throat started getting dry and itchy, i stopped swallowing. i tilted my head back and let the watery snot (that kept developing) drip down to my throat and it actually relieved the throat issue quite well. the saline lubricated my throat and swallowing became easier. i really felt like i was jiving with my bodily secretions. i maintained a slow, steady breathing pattern and tried to ignore all the itchiness that was occurring in my body. (basically said F YOU to all itchiness and ignored it.)

and after about 2 hours of maintaining this zen moment, bam, the reaction went away.

the end.

it's really not that bad.. EVERYTHING COULD BE WORSE.

or better.

and oh yeh, there is no common scale.

sometimes, when i look into the night sky..

it really looks fake.

what enables us to feel also confines our potential. but what are we trying to achieve?

a "higher" understanding? is there an end to understanding?

my brain is so overstimulated by school.

i'm exhausted and yet, i dont want to stop thinking things through.

when i see myself pick up a pen to jot things down.. im thinking... WHY AM I WRITING THIS DOWN?

such weird shit.

i really hate caring without knowing why.

my life is noticeably better since starting school.

i got an A and B+ in my first two assignments.. which is really unusual for me. (2.64 gpa)

im gonna go look for scholarships to apply to. maybe i can save some money by writing to someone.

i believe protesting a culture within the land "owned" by the dominant culture is in essence not peaceful.
i can decide to leave the culture (physically and/or mentally), but what if i find that there is no culture to go to?

what can i do?

not too crazy recurring.. but i remember dreaming of missing a flight before. it was a weird dream because, i set my alarm clock to an appropriate time but when i woke up and saw the time, I WAS ALREADY LATE. after vicariously experiencing a heart attack, i checked my alarm only to find out i correctly set it. the craziness of the situation made me realize i could have experienced some sort of time shift while i slept.

anyway, couple days ago, i dreamt i missed another flight. this time however, it wa s clearly late due to my miscalculation. i was in korea and i gave myself enough time to travel as a local. fail. i had to feel that disgusting feeling of failure.. again.

i googled: dream missing flight

and here's what i got:

the first result was this:

"To dream of missing flight means you are overwhelmed with work or other activities and you sense you lost control of time (missing flight is a sense not being able to be on time somewhere). You are just not able to cope with time schedules and dead-lines. No matter what you do. It all is too much, and too fast."

i cant verify if this is true for the first instance because i cant remember when it happened, but it definitely describes what i currently fear in my waking hours.

"The highest civilization and culture, apart from the ancient Hindus and Egyptians, are found exclusively among the white races; and even with many dark peoples, the ruling caste or race is fairer in colour than the rest and has, therefore, evidently immigrated, for example, the Brahmans, the Incas, and the rulers of the South Sea Islands. All this is due to the fact that necessity is the mother of invention because those tribes that emigrated early to the north, and there gradually became white, had to develop all their intellectual powers and invent and perfect all the arts in their struggle with need, want and misery, which in their many forms were brought about by the climate."

By Arthur Schopenhauer