xanga. internet.

why do i enjoy making things publicly available in the internet?
let's say facebook lets me broadcast a message to my friends.
then xanga lets me broadcast a message to EVERYONE.

"hello everyone, you may not know of this message's existence, however, it is here for you to read."

maybe more like:

"hello, i am here to squeeze my words into this enormous database of human communication. that is the sole purpose of this message."

i have no scientific reasoning as to why i choose to enjoy this behavior but i do. for now.

anyway, speaking of humans, my observations of us have been degrading and i characterize myself as a discontent. i dream of days of being an orphan and having no one to love so that i can peacefully leave this world without guilt and hesitation.

this is nothing new.

one funny observation. CLEANING makes me really happy. i love throwing things out.
unfortunately, in the big picture of things, my happiness is interrupted with the idea of huge garbage patches swirling in the ocean. maybe we should throw it out into space? why keep them on earth???? get rid of that shit.

it was thanksgiving not too long ago.

although i didnt express it in any way, in my head, i felt a strong need to thank a higher being for my recent quality of life.

i mean, YES, i got rejected by rutgers for a degree program and randomly got rejected by GOOGLE while i was NOT looking for a job.

BUT, all of those things provided great experiences and further honed my objectivity. haha.

this road to turning into a counselor(?) type of job could have taken many routes, but it appears i landed on the most optimally compromising route among them.

i cant just CHANGE my life at 29 without thinking about finances and (potential) dependents. i should have thought of this when i gave out my PII to family members like candy on halloween to open accounts for them.

its all good if they pay, but if they cant pay, guess who's gonna get worried. me.

trying to plan while thinking of potential bills.. is not easy to do for a risk averse person like me.

anyway. im so glad i can somehow be valuable to the company as a part time employee.

im so GLAD that rutgers accepted me to the non-matriculated program so that i can at least try it out..

and last but not least, my dear boyfriend still loves me after all ive put him through.

my heart would be so </3 if he left me.

i was wondering why my savings account lost all this money.. and i was slowly getting irritated by it.

then i remembered i just bought a $5000 car. hello to 2004 acura tl with ~30k miles on it.

yeh yuh.

quite an exciting period..

anyway. im a fukkin idiot cuz i bought tickets to daegu instead of incheon and now i have to be on a train for 2.5 hours after i get to korea.

mmm. dad says he'll come to daegu to take the train ride with me.

mmm.. i guess that's ok. (?)

if not, i could always stare out the window or read my kindle.

im pretty excited about seeing my cousins, aunts, uncles.. friends.

but im REALLY excited about eating delicious FOOD with these people.

side note: rejection is so humbling and yet it builds my confidence at the same time.

being 29 sucks.

my grandma doesnt like to throw away food.

she CANT eat ALL of the leftovers though. so she started feeding the squirrels outside the house.

she thinks they look really cute when they eat the food. @.@.

anyway, today, we hosted the lunch at church and a lot of the kids couldnt finish their portions. my grandma secretly collected the leftovers that were larger than "normal" and said she'll give it to the squirrels.

i'm like.. fine.

then, after we got back to her place, i was super tired so i took a nap on her bed.

i woke up a couple hours later to find my grandma munching away at some food.

she's like: oh, i was looking at the food for the squirrels and decided to eat it myself. :: delighted with herself ::

me: omg...

.

.

.

NOW, WHAT ARE THE SQUIRRELS GOING TO EAT, GRANDMA???!?!?!?!?!

grandma: laugh.

i hate all things.

google.

the power is overwhelming.

u know what comes with power..

corruption.

sigh.

last night around 4:20am, i went through a severe allergic reaction. i woke up to scratchy throat, stuffed sinuses and itchy eyes.

i immediately swallowed 4 pills of benadryl but before it corrected my issue, i had to deal with burning throat, multiple itchy areas (i.e. head, neck, pits and hands), vomiting and constipation.

this was different from my usual allergic reaction in that i did not eat fruits and involve myself in strenuous physical activity.

from what i can remember, the possible causes are:

• too much recent famotidine usage to prevent asian glow (this i know causes the constipation portion)
• developing sudden allergy to cinnamon toast crunch
• allergic to the nasal spray that yuta offered me before i slept (which he gave me to clear my stuffy nose

anyway, it ruined my sleep and the benadryl knocked me out for 12 hours and i woke up at 6pm today.

sigh.

i should get to sleep. enough crying for the day.

i still havent filed for my tax return..

it's now june 11th.

anyway, ive always wanted to make the best out of life..

but it's getting more difficult to do.

a friend has suggested i talk to someone.

perhaps i will make a prediction on what they would say to me and see if it's correct.

i am burdened by history, family and love.

a part of me is against having kids.

im not taking any bcp's but i feel like i'm taking bcp's.

Office of Graduate and Professional Admissions
Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey
18 Bishop Place
New Brunswick, NJ 08901-8350, U.S.A.
732-932-7711
Fax: 732-932-8231
http://gradstudy.rutgers.edu

April 15, 2011

Ms. Eun Joo You

Dear Ms. You:

Thank you for your interest in the Graduate Program in Social Work. I am sorry to inform you that the Admissions Committee, which reviewed your application and credentials, did not recommend admission.

Graduate programs at Rutgers receive applications from many outstanding candidates. Space availability, limited faculty resources, and competition among well qualified applicants prevent programs from offering admission to all who seek it, even among many who meet or exceed expected requirements. Please know that your application and supporting credentials were closely and carefully read by the Committee.

Admission decisions are difficult both for Committee members, who must carefully review applications to admit the best possible candidates, and applicants who anxiously await notification. I regret having to convey this disappointing news, but genuinely wish you every success in accomplishing your goals.

Sincerely,

Linda Costa
Director of Graduate Admissions
Graduate and Professional Admissions

---------------------------------------------

Linda,

I hate you.

Maliciously,
Eunjoo You.

now that i am well groomed and both toe and finger nails are cut short and filed.. i have no reason NOT TO STUDY.

in the past, i have thought i'd do very well in school if given a second chance. no.. i have never seriously thought that.

anyway. i am still here.

breathing this air.

monitoring my aging.

i feel worthless.

knowing me, 3-4 years of going to school seems like the biggest mistake of my life.

shut the fuk up.

back to studying.