i feel like i should have a baby now before i start not wanting one.

a while ago..

i told my dad: i wish you and mom never met!!!

dad: how ungrateful of you!!! you wouldnt be alive!!!!

me: and?    in my head: my life is not worth your mess of a marriage. i would gladly never-have-existed if it would mean not watching you both torture each other.

so.. for those parents out there.. that hate each others' guts but 'staying together for the kids'..

if you're fighting everyday in front of your children..

just separate early on.

when i was a kid, i would have much enjoyed a happier, honest single parent than a miserable couple who pretends to think we're a happy family.

the one thing that i am more terrified of than money.. is time.

:: hands on face ::

my mom makes me really depressed.

i really wish my mom was better at managing her life.

they are so good..

in my head, i see you all over me.

in my head, you fulfill my fantasy.

in my head, you'll be screaming  oh hhhhhhHhhhHhhHhhhh.

in my head, we're goin down.

so. a quick summary of my journey of making CHANGES:

as i am taking these steps to change my career, i feel the need for justification.
why am i giving up the money?

simply put, i am not fulfilled and i feel like helping people will be more fulfilling as a job.

now.. what are the wonderful things about money?

tons.. too many reasons to list why and how money is WONDERFUL.

however, i am unfulfilled with this work.

work is taking up way too much of my life and if needs to be this way, i need it to be more fulfilling.

why would social work be more fulfilling? because, i think i would be good at helping people. do i care about the "helping people" part? not necessarily. i think i'm good at it so i want to try it as a profession. helping people just happens to be a possible outcome of what i find i'm good at. ha.

i wont be dirt poor as a social worker, anyway.

BUT, in order to have a legitimate salary as a social worker, i will need a degree.

this degree does not require gre's but i registered for them before i knew that. i wasnt getting a full refund back so instead of losing out on some money, i decided to take the two exams for the hell of it.

so. for a month in preparation, i read about psychology. pretended that someone wanted me to do well in these exams and studied hard.
it was the first time no one wanted me to study and i was still STUDYING.

pretty good feeling.

but overall, i feel pathetic. i know that if i didnt spend money on this exam, nothing would have motivated me to finish reading that book that fast.
it's like the gre was a course that i paid for and then i learned something from it.

~400 dollars for this "course." pretty interesting course by the way. psychology is intriguing. compared to the study of electrical engineering, it is relatively unknown. many parts stating "this process is not yet understood."

anyway. now.. it is time to prepare my applications for my social work masters.

really wishes ashton kutcher would come out already and tell me im punkd.

this just cant be real..

people are pathetic.

how the words "higher life forms" are used to describe "people".. is beyond me.

honestly.. jonathan swift is right..

i am gulliver and i wish to live with the Houyhnhnms.

every day.. i have to assess my thoughts on facebook.

i am against "enforcing" any abstinence of facebook just because sometimes i think facebook is bad.

facebook is not BAD. it is just an application.

if i find myself going to it to add my 2 cents to things here and there and offer myself up to be shared and commented on, well then, maybe it's not so bad after all.

i like looking at shit and i like sharing my shit to be looked at.

ugh.

anyway.

i am considering getting my masters in the field of psychology.

who knew it would come to this.  WHO KNEW?!!??!?!?!?!?! or more like.. why didnt i make moves on this way earlier. sigh.

the book is to be read for 40 days. ultimately attempting to leave you with faith.

so far, it has logically described why one should and want to believe.

given that i dont want to believe right now, it describes me as one who chooses to be hopeless and meaningless.

well then, i'm glad we got that one cleared up.

lately.. religion has been really IN MY FACE.

i have 3 religious books lined up for me to (attempt to) read and a lot of hopelessness coming into my life.

well.

ironically, to me.. religion is the tempting apple in the garden of eden.

the void that is built with every second of acknowledging that ill never know why we're here.. would easily be filled with religion.

coping with pain/suffering/loss would be POSSIBLE with religion.

but i dont want to cheat.

i dont want to just give into what i believe our smart human race has built to inspire a meaningful and civilized society.

firstly, i can see the benefits of living a respectable life without fearing a god, so i did not need a god there.

secondly, i do not need god to love, because i had parents who loved me when i was young.

i have lost my grandfather.. but i have decided to talk to him instead of god.

so yeah, back to cheating. i dont want to just BELIEVE in something so i can forcefully answer a question i dont think i can ever know.