sometimes.. i love being mean.

that's why i like to hang out with grace. cuz i can be mean to her and she makes it okay.

grace: ughhhh... i'm having a really bad day cuz of my period. (as she slides her way into my car.)

me: oh.. that's what that smell was.

bahahahhahahahahaha

anyway. met an old high school friend of mine today.. he basically told me i looked frumpy.
i tried to tell him it's just TODAY and that normally, i'm not THIS frumpy.
he goes: um.. yeah. you can say that all you want. im just describing what i see.

sigh.. i admit it. i just dont care.

sometimes, i dont believe it either. i just dont think it looks that bad.

HAHAHAHAHA.

dear eunjoo,

it looks that bad.

love,
eunjoo.

well then.

i have to file for my tax return cuz u know.. i gotta go get that money.

the tax papers were showing up in the mail and emails.. and like any other preparation before knowing i gotta do something, i started getting lazy.

fact is.. the only thing i have to do is gather up my papers and drive to my accountant's office.

the accountant LOVES me. i'm not entirely sure why cuz all i do is bring papers and pick em up.
it is probably his ploy to keep me comin back.

anyway. as morbid as i am.. sometimes i think about my grandpa and how he's on the other side (whether it be nowhere or somewhere) and it makes me wish for death to try and go find him.

it'll be a great adventure!

through you, i defined love.
through you, i learn something new about it everyday.

love,
eunjoo.

ever since this change..
i've been working like a muther..
and i cant seem to grasp how i feel about it.

wtf?

anyway, i wanted to rant about a song i heard on the radio that actually me PISSES OFF.

lyrics:

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody,
you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span;
you're the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated. oh-- no--.
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me decide.

According to me
you're stupid,
you're useless,
you can't do anything right.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you. [you, you]
According to you. [you, you]

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.

in the feminist point of view, i'd say.. why are YOU with a guy that thinks ur worthless?
in my point of view.. from what the "bad" guy noted, you sound like a pos so the real question would be... why was HE with you in the first place?

currently, i am sitting in yuta's room.

yuta and his bro are busy cleaning their apartment. i've been throwing some supportive comments here and there.

both of them have extreme allergies.. and coincidentally, every time i
come visit their place, i have this bout of an attack myself.

o.O

now, if i was to use my brain and be an investigator, i might say their
cleaning habits may have something to do with their lil issue.

anyway. we are snowed in today. decided to be lil pussies and not go out.

ever since that day i almost died on the highway, i've decided the snow
gods warned me: YOU MUST NOT DRIVE ON A HIGHWAY WHEN IT IS SNOWING.

or drive at 25 mph. (which means, ur never getting there.)

enough jibberish. i've been busy lately and i actually have TONS of stuff to do right this minute.
but the stuff i need to do most of the stuff is in my room.

xanga entry however, is online.

i was reading my past entries and given the incredible joy that it brings me.. i decided i MUST write something again.

if the past can bring me back some of the joy that life has been slowly draining out of me..
i must create more pasts for my poor future.

i'm not sure what's going on at work.
i try not to think about it too much.

i just try to do what they tell me to do.. and do it without fukking it up.

in july 2010, i will have worked in the company for 5 years.

if i dont, i guess it'll be 4 point something.

anyway. went to see Hair.

not to make race important or anything, but i saw black peepee for the first time in my life.

LIVE.

the particular member i saw was everything that the rumors have described.

HAHAHA.

adios.

i took the day off because turner has a birthday day-off policy..
but of course, on my baby's bday.. it was too busy and they had to make an exception..

anyway, i went to his place early.. shopped for some ingredients and cooked.

YAY~~~~

i love cooking so much. i think despite my lack of passion in anything..
cooking is the only thing that i can see myself feeling anything near it.

i first made bruschetta with tomatoes for appetizer.

(no pics. the tomato was getting watery and i didnt want to take a picture of it.  it was awesome nonetheless.)

then some lots o meat lasagna:

it came out so awesome. (just had to let the oven-ready lasagna sheets to cook a little more and get thicker.)

yuta said talking about it makes his mouth wet.

hahahahha

anyway. it's not me, it's the recipe. it's pretty dam good:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/lots-omeat-lasagna-recipe/index.html
just remember, after it's done, it takes about another hour for the pasta to reach a better thickness.

mmm. back to yuta's bday:

love you lots.

suddenly.. my dreams seem a little closer.

i am no longer getting on the 166 njtransit bus and crawling into the subways of nyc.   i no longer have to waste my life away sitting next to strangers and commuting to a city that i prefer to look at from afar.

new york city. i know it's big. i know it's a HUGE deal. i know people dream about working in nyc.

it just doesnt do it for me.

to be fair, i now have to make time to read a book. there is nothing more comfortable than reading in a bus seat. it just doesnt allow you to do much else.

i cant eat lunch with my baby or come home with him after work on fridays.

i will miss the coworkers i worked with for 4 years.

i will miss listening to my ipod. (although, morning radio is hilarious.)

hot 97:

rosenburg: you dont like her cuz she's not black

angie: no, dont put words in my mouth!

rosenburg: i'll put something else in your mouth!

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~~~

hahahahha

anyway. i digress.

fyi. life still sucks. if there are any hopes of it getting better, i will tell you now.

IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

the best days of my life will always be of yesteryear.

i met her randomly in the gym.

the first thing she said was.. "this is fate."

the reason why it's a fate?  because she has been trying SO HARD to avoid me.. and yet.. i ended up seeing her.

she was probably annoyed.. "oh.. i'm glad to see you.. but whatever."

she called me sassy.

"that is your downfall."

i've realized this. i talk a lot and if i feel something.. i will surely say it.

there is nothing holding me back.

if i love you.. you will probably hear more of it..

and with my relationship with her.. it is my downfall.

i've been bleeding on the pill for about a good 2 weeks and i'm fukkin pissed off.

(everything from this point on may be enhanced because of this fact.)

i'm really pissed off at my godparents. i am SO disappointed in many of the steps they made recently. the only reason why i cant express it to them is because they probably dont care. oh right, i DID express it to them and their lack of response is a SURE SIGN of "i'm really busy thinking about myself right now."

which is something i cant argue with.

in their minds, they're probably running out of time and there is none to care about what other people want.

maybe?

that is my hypothesis.

does that logic appease my ANGER?

no.

despite my agreement of their time issue.. i cant seem to force myself to leave our last few years "happy." i just cant be happy with them... i'm too pissed off.

why.. does this happen?

why do we make sadness harder than it already is.

"Electricity is not a human invention, and may be observed in several forms in nature, a prominent manifestation of which is lightning. Many interactions familiar at the macroscopic level, such as touch, friction or chemical bonding, are due to interactions between electric fields on the atomic scale. The Earth's magnetic field is thought to arise from a natural dynamo of circulating currents in the planet's core.^[69] Certain crystals, such as quartz, or even sugar, generate a potential difference across their faces when subjected to external pressure.^[70] This phenomenon is known as piezoelectricity, from the Greek piezein (πιέζειν), meaning to press, and was discovered in 1880 by Pierre and Jacques Curie.
The effect is reciprocal, and when a piezoelectric material is
subjected to an electric field, a small change in physical dimensions
take place.^[70]

Some organisms, such as sharks, are able to detect and respond to changes in electric fields, an ability known as electroreception,^[71] while others, termed electrogenic, are able to generate voltages themselves to serve as a predatory or defensive weapon.^[3] The order Gymnotiformes, of which the best known example is the electric eel, detect or stun their prey via high voltages generated from modified muscle cells called electrocytes.^[3][4] All animals transmit information along their cell membranes with voltage pulses called action potentials, whose functions include communication by the nervous system between neurons and muscles.^[72]An electric shock stimulates this system, and causes muscles to contract.^[73] Action potentials are also responsible for coordinating activities in certain plants and mammals.^[72]"

please make this stop..