April 21, 2008

• alone.

  It's been almost 2 weeks since my mom left to her friends house.

  I am SO ENRAGED by her actions. she comes once in awhile to do my laundry and cook me some food. WHICH ENRAGES ME MORE.

  She leaves me alone in this apartment and shatters my happiness of finally moving out of the stupid apartment.

  I told her.. i have no desire to live by myself. I have no desire to live without her. She is NOT a burden to me.. and... i am already FULLY INDEPENDENT.. whether she lives with me or not.

  Anyway. Fact is.. all of these reasons are accessories..

  fact is. SHE doesnt want to live with me. She wants to live with her husband.

  Which happens to be my dad.

  She wants him to take care of her... grow old with her. Becomes grandparents together.

  I wanted to ask her why she wants to live with someone who made her miserable.

  Why she doesnt want to live... HAPPY for once.

  Why she wants to.. in my point of view.. continue to believe that she has no other choice.

  But i dont say these things.. or at least not anymore.

  I do understand.. i do know she cant really change.

  I just feel better when she's with me. And the horrible thing is.. i dont even really talk to her that much when we are together. Majority of the time.. im irritated by her.. irritated by her illogic.

  And then... this horrible guilt.. when she looks at me with shame.

  Im sure it's a reason enough to not want to live with me.

  Who she is... makes me mad.. and my anger.. makes her uncomfortable.

  But all i want.. is her to be happy.

  Its just a vicious cycle.

  Dam cliches.

  • 11:08 pm
  • 3 Comments