every second places me farther from my last moment with you..
so suddenly you left.. leaving me frantically searching for the last words you said.

i should have said... please be calm.. please be patient... you have to see me marry.. you have to see me raise my kids..

you have to calm your heart.

i dont believe in god and as i sat in church.. i know if you were there, you'd be trying hard to keep your eyes open.
you were happy to to skip church with me one sunday... both with sneaky smiles.

but now i know.. god is one reason many of us can cope.

maybe if you were here, you'd appreciate it with me too..

seeing you sleep without breath is not only unreal.. but heartbreaking.

i told mom how you always asked about her.. how you always wanted the best for her..
i dont know why i never told her before.. but i hope it's not too late for your thoughts and  words to help her...

you've taught me how to forgive...
you've taught me how to live nobly.

감사합니다.

with love, but broken hearted..

유은주 드림.

사랑합니다.

:: i met my super in front of my apt on my way home from work ::

me: hi greg~ i wanted to ask you a question!

super: sure, go ahead.

me: mm.. i know you're going to say no..

super: okay. No.

me: :: hands on face :: noooOOoooOOooo~~~ hehe.

me: well.. i wanted to know if i could have a kitten... i know you said no before.. but i just wanted to ask again.

super: is it going to be de-clawed?

me: i havent really thought that far..

super: i'll think about it.

me: OKAY!!!! Thank you~~~

i want to note in this blog of a memory..

yuta is someone i'm not afraid to be with.
he is someone that i can share fears with.
he is someone i know well and.. he blows my mind.

life gets busy.. i get caught up in me.

not everyday, someone shakes me up with their being.

someone i long for.. someone that makes me focus on a him.

so precious.

so.. i give mad props to this woman because the last time i tried this pose, i came down on my forehead:

so yeah, when i did succeed in balancing like this... it was an AMAZING feeling of control.

i dare you to feel it.

the title of this entry... is a misnomer because all i wanted to say is: i dont give a shit about them.  i'm sorta mad at xanga for making me even SLIGHTLY care in the first place.. and i'm really mad at these surveys that DONT EVEN QUALIFY ME.. after i wasted time on the questions already.

anyway.

i pitched for my softball team yesterday. it's amazing how something so simple can bring me back to third grade.  of course, i actually had a hat, team shirt and some cleats back then.. but the pressure.. and the eyes of all your team members focused on your throw...

good times of town sponsored fun.

we dont go to eat icecream after games though... everyone just want to drink, drink, drink.

i finished reading cesar millan's Cesar's Way.  the writing wasnt so enjoyable... but it was very informational nevertheless.  there is a lot of criticism for his style of handling dogs.. but the bottom line is...

THE GUY LOVES DOGS.  he probably respects dogs more than any human being.

haters seem to focus on how his method "brings back dog training 20 years." how things with dogs is not just dominance and submission. it's not just BLACK and WHITE. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
but seriously.. he definitely knows how to handle the trouble dogs and saves their lives from euthanasia.

well.. unless we assume that perhaps death is better than life with us human beings.

mmm... morbid.

well. changing subjects yet again.  i have been swimming again.
it is a wonderful feeling. with the body alone... it is the closest to flying to me.

i visited my grandma for her birthday. (late, i might add. if only facebook could remind me of my grandma's birthday.. HE HE.)

anyway, we started talking together and she told me some new details about her escape from north korea..

i always knew she did, but i didnt know the details as in:

-did they have money?
-was it easy? was it hard not to get caught??
-where was her father?

etc.

well.. i found out, her mother met her father in a japanese school in north korea. her father was an international student from south korea so he didnt have to escape anywhere.

so after she and her sisters were born, her father went back to south korea to wait for them.

and it took two years and getting caught twice trying to escape.. till her mom, her and her sisters were able to escape.

i asked her... WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU WERE CAUGHT????

she said someone had told them to just start crying. she was in a family of six women that was trying to escape and she said.. all of them started to cry or at least pretended to cry by putting spit in their eye. hehe.

inside, i was thinking.. how things dont change.

she told me her mother was very smart in that she made gold pieces into buttons and covered them with fabric so people would never know they had money.

they had to cross mountains and rivers... and in the river, they were so scared to die that they held onto each other tightly. they were thinking, if we die, we'll die together.

and when they finally crossed the border.. they bought a house with the gold right away and settled in.

so this is what its like.. starting a sentence like randy.

YO. check it.

anyway. got a softball game tomorrow after work.
so far, our team lost 2 out of 2 games.
first game: 15-0.
second game: 24-12.

yes, it's actually possible to score 24 runs in a baseball game. saw it with my own eyes.

unfortunately.

i hope i can get on a base tomorrow or at least catch a fly ball. i'm going to have to study up on the team we're going against.
if they are anywhere near good..

this could be bad news.

we'll see.

*update:

make that 3 out of 3 games... lost.

10 to 2.

AND. i hit the catcher's head with my bat... (thank the lord he had his helmet on.)

as imperfect as my korean and english is.. i have this deep yearning to learn another language.
spanish.. would be number one on my list.

i have this disability in learning languages though.. i had to pass/fail my japanese I course in college. as a korean, that is an unspeakable failure.

if there was a language test in Big Brain Academy, it'll keep me from increasing my brain size for sure.

which reminds me, i've been playing Big Brain Academy during my commute.. sometimes before bed.. and it has a weird way of relaxing me.

on a darker note, i've been breaking out recently. sometimes i look at my face and visualize shapes, created by connecting the pimples.

picked up a fashion magazine and saw this:

now.. just in case you didnt recognize, this is drew barrymore. it does look somewhat of a mix of chloe sevigny and marion cotillard.
+

anyway. i dont know why i went WAY out of my way here to tell you who i think drew barrymore looks like in this ad.

maybe to show how not only does eunjoo write about absolutely NOTHING.. she can also write about USELESS things!

mm.. 26 hasnt taught me much yet.

obviously.

my invisalign is done and i only have the whitening left to do.. but the goddam peroxide eats the stain AND my teeth. hurts like a mutherflukker. it's more like, there'll be nothing left to stain anymore.
MOST likely. it's an open cavity.

i dont need webMD to tell me that. julia told me webMD is crap. although, i have correctly diagnosed myself about 2 times in my life via webMD. (i didnt tell her though.)

as comfortable as i am on talking about nasty-ass physical issues, i thought i'd save her the details.

i would rather spend my time with julia betting on whether jen will marry her current boyfriend or not.

random note of the day:

i really dont like the phrase: this too shall pass.

take it and stuff it back in your mouth.

random photo of the day:

me vacuuming:

totally hot. thank you very much.

so yeah.. i've decided not to have a birthday get together like i usually do.
reasons why?

it may be any or a combination of the following:

-my birthday fell on a tuesday.
-i didnt particularly like the number 26.
-i'm depressed.
-i wanted to do something different.

anyway. i was talking with sandy one day and decided to just take the dam day off and go to the beach.
AWESOME idea.. cuz this was the result:

yuta came by after work and joined me for dinner~

i swear. the waitress made us kiss.

eat up, son.

for a tuesday birthday, i'd have to say... it was a DAM GOOD celebration.

muchos arigato.