i am the most unhappy and depressed as i have ever been in my life.

does it affect my life productivity? not really.
i still perform in the job.. i still eat.. i sleep okay..

but generally speaking, i'm terribly depressed.

funny, when i'm alone and i feel the sudden urge to speak aloud, i always subconsciously say:

"no, not really."

i have absolutely no control in what comes out of my mouth at this time and it's always the same three words.

if i were to deduce the possible question i seem to be answering.. it may be:

"is life really worth living?"

anyway.

as an american, who is taught to fight for their rights, i believe restricting assisted suicide to only those who are terminally ill is a violation of my right.

i dont really agree with this article..

Commentary: Chris Brown up for Nickelodeon award?

i'm saying.. nickelodeon didnt say they didnt want him to be reprimanded for what he did.
all they said was... it was a vote on what the kids wanted.. and it happened before the accident.
AND since he hasnt won the dam award yet, it's still up to the voters anyway.

so, on the flip side of things..

if he had bought a shotgun and decided to mass murder a group of students in a school...

should nickelodeon forcefully take him off the nominated list?

mmm...

:: shivers ::

scary.

music on the radio is not so bad lately.
of course there's always a lot of junk, but i'm saying..
there's a lot that i like.

back to the main topic of this entry..

let me write a lil shout out to guitar hero/rockband..

i simply... LOVE how you break away my inabilities and allow me to feel like the most banging rockstar.

thank you.

mmm.. i came across a christian friend in the bus the other day.

we yabber jabbered about stuff... about religion.
in the end, our discussion had two points:

1. he believes God created humans.
2. i believe humans created God.

just funny how i never saw the simplicity in the difference of my religion and christianity.

i'll be in orlando, fl for a couple days..
couple days before my arrival, the weather is about 80.
the duration of my time there however.. will be 60-70.

oh wells, my pasty white skin will have to wait for it's 2009 debut.

unless the pools are heated.

this is the worst beginning of a new year... ever.

minah's baby now exists in this world.

just when i'm feeling life is only going to bring me death and emptiness..
here comes dylan. a small baby..

minah said he doesnt really have vision at this point.. probably sees a bunch of blurry objects if anything.

as i move my head side to side.. and watch his eyes follow...
it amazes me how something so simple can be so incredible.

of course.. loving someone who has no idea of his own existence, let alone mine..
is a new thing. hahahaha

anyway. my mentee is not much of a hip hop listener. she listens to japanese music.
during mentor's day, we registered too late to do any "cool" activities like rock climbing and gymnastics, but i pulled her into learning some hip hop dance.

she was reluctant at first, but i was so happy when in the end, she said:

"that was pretty fun."

we look like sisters. HOW COINCIDENTAL.

not. hahahaha.

i understand.

Eunjoo You is done with facebook.

mmmm. okay. probably not. i mean there's so much memorabilia in there..

i just get overwhelmed with the amount of information in facebook.
big brother? who needs big brother when people will provide their own feed?
it's like monitoring provided by the monitored.

anyway.

sometimes it's so much information it makes me wanna puke.

this is me now:

-get stressed at work.
-get fucked up after work.

funny, i cant even drink well, but i'd be leaving the office saying: TIME TO GET MY DRINK ON!
everyone around me would chuckle..

now.. what does this say about my life right now?

highs and lows keep me off the medium.
im a creature of moderation...
just wanna get back on rhythm.

ugh.

my mom continues to piss me off with surprises.  a guy randomly calls telling me how to be a good a daughter.
WHAT THE FUK?????

he said: "your mom's plan went awry and she messed up my life. dont you think you should step in and help her out? if you cared for your mom, you should help her."

DONT EVEN GO THERE DUDE...

i was so not in the mood to hear that shit during work.

FIRST OF ALL.  dont act like you know me.
dont act like you are in the worst shithole cuz you're dealing with my mom.
SECOND OF ALL. I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH HER MY WHOLE LIFE.

note: i love my mom but she is dam crazy.

i used to wonder why i was so apathetic about life.

during my discussion with my mom, i just commented on how DISAPPOINTING our family has become. i told her, i didnt grow up thinking this was gonna happen. if i knew.. i wish i disowned them before getting attached.
i love them with all my heart.. but the pain and stress that they cause me is better to do without.

SERIOUSLY.

this is obviously not a good period.

i'm suppose to be getting some work done.. but i'm sittin here venting away about things i already got over.
i can only expect the worst in everything.
the slightest optimism in my life will end up crushing me like an ACME anvil.

in other news, things are going great. i'm so lucky to have a job.

something about menstruation makes me feel like i should stay home.
bleeding while i'm talking to someone is a very uncomfortable and rude feeling.

hahaha.

i met up with her today at her school. got lost and i was 30 minutes late. WHAT A JERK.

had some pizza and coffee at dunkin donuts.
i asked her 3 questions:

-what's her favorite movie and why.
-what are her opinions about her parents.
-who's her favorite sibling and why.

answers are obviously private.

we're both gonna get the book the curious incident of the dog in the night-time to read together.
W00T W00T!

something i wrote in:

WWednesday, October 16, 2002